aryssa90's Diaryland Diary

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I woke up with every intention of going to the gym but it just hasn’t happened. I just can’t motivate myself. I might do some yoga before work though so, that counts.

I need to do laundry.

I don’t want to go to work today. I’d love to just sit at home and get things done. Maybe Monday.

I’m struggling a bit with my emotions. I’m happy but only in certain situations and when I’m not in those situations I’m sad and angry and lonely.

Luckily I have my very first therapy appointment next Tuesday. It’s telepsych which I’m not super thrilled about but we’ll give it a chance and see how it goes.

Work is getting pretty frustrating from an organizational health perspective but we’ll see how that goes also.

Wait and see. Lots of wait and see.

Bill and I are no longer arguing. We vacillate between being fine and being annoyed with eachother. He isn’t taking care of his health and I’ve been calling him on it.

I had thought Tim was sick of me or something after staying over again on Wednesday but he ended up calling me last night and was pretty chatty. So that was nice. He’s so supportive of me and the things I want to do. And he makes sure to tell me (often) how I’m beautiful just how I am but also encourage me to be more active and be willing to do it with me. It’s nice.

We were talking about trying to go vegetarian for a week. It was cute, I asked him if he would ever be a vegetarian and he said “Probably not forever but if you want to try like, a vegetarian month or something I’d be down” and so I suggested we try a week. He’s always up for things like that, he doesn’t need to take forever to think about it or beg or cajole. It’s nice.

I feel bad whenever I compare Bill and Tim. Bill is great, he really is and if he hadn’t have gotten sick then I think he would be better, he would be more open to new things. But he didn’t. I’m really struggling to not live in what might have been. I love Tim, so much, and when I think of my future it’s with him and it’s filled with so much. But then I think of Bill and how our future should have been. How it still could have been and how it just isn’t going to be and I get so sad.

How long does it take to mourn a relationship that technically isn’t completely over while you’re officially in a new relationship? Because that’s what I’m doing right? I’m mourning. But I still can’t let go of some hope that things will turn around, that one day he’ll do what he needs to do and get better. I don’t know what I’d do if that happened. Either way people get hurt. Anyway. Enough of that.

Hopefully therapy helps with all that.

I need to write more. And not just to talk about how much I love Tim.

9:35 a.m. - 2019-01-11

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