aryssa90's Diaryland Diary

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Things with Tim are so weird right now. We got into a pretty big argument yesterday. I can’t even say we made up because when we got to a point of being kind of okay he refused to talk any more and when I’ve tried broaching it since he says things are fine and changes the subject.

I don’t know that we’re going to make it to be honest. I think it’s a mix of things and there are a lot of emotions but as of today I don’t know that we’re going to stay together. I think a lot is dependent upon his school right now and what happens with that, along with how he reacts to whatever the decision is.

Part of the issue is how depressed he gets. The bigger part is how he drinks when he gets like that. I don’t know that I have the emotional capacity to be with someone chronically depressed at the level he’s at and I definitely don’t have the capacity to deal with an alcoholic. He says he is never happy. Everything bores him. I know that’s depression and clinically I get it. But it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt me to hear it and it really leaves me wondering what the fuck he’s doing in a relationship if he isn’t happy with me. Like, I get that you like being with me but if I’m not part of your happiness (because apparently you don’t have happiness?) then why waste energy being with me? If you’re bored by our interactions then again, why expend the energy?

I’ve asked him this and he says I’m making it about me. Maybe I am. I don’t mean to only focus on me but like, I am a part of the equation and when the person you love and want to spend your life with says *everything* bores him and he is *never* happy, how am I supposed to react?

I don’t think I have the capability of being strong for me all the time and I don’t have the confidence to accept that he does want to be with me despite being unhappy.

But I love him. And the idea of breaking up with him is heart breaking. But I don’t want to make the same decisions that leave me waiting 5 years for someone to get their life together and then be disappointed.

So if anyone can tell me what to do, that’d be great.

In other news: Bill is doing really well. He’s losing weight, his medical numbers are pretty good and he’s helping me out a lot around the house. My mom is going to pay at least most of my loan off. I’m probably not going to see death cab bc of $$ but tickets are super cheap so I might still go. I’m v excited to see Scary Stories to Tell In the Dark with work friends tomorrow and I’m also taking myself on a little date to see the Charles Manson exhibit. I’m excited to grill chicken and tri tip this weekend, I just need to figure out veggies for it. I’ve been doing better eating-not great but better so, I’ll take it. I’m listening to a great podcast about the golden state killer. Finances aren’t great (but they’re fine) but as of next week they should be better. I might be going to Rosarito at the end of the month and I’m definitely going to Vegas in September.

1:46 p.m. - 2019-08-09

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