aryssa90's Diaryland Diary

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Tim and I had a good talk tonight. I was open and honest about my feelings and what I wanted and needed. He listened and responded. We discussed and clarified. He talked about thinking a lot about sobriety and not just in terms of being sober to be with me but being sober to deal with his shit and be better. Which is progress. It was, in all, an excellent conversation and I feel pretty good about us.

And yet here I am. In my car. Terrified. If Tim and I push through this weird shitty time then we will inevitably progress which one part of me wants and one part of me is terrified for because then that really means the end of me and Bill. And I don’t think I’m ready for that now. I think I thought I was 3 months ago and then Tim went a bit wild and feelings changed and now I’m not so sure.

Bill is my rock. He’s my best friend. And I think I’m still at least a little bit in love with him. But we can’t have the kind of relationship I need. And now I’m so completely in love with Tim.

Ahhh.

I think maybe we can see how things go over the next few months and yeah, we can make a decision now. We aren’t getting married tomorrow.

But I am incredibly glad we talked and it went well. I love him so much and things have been pretty fucking terrible.

12:43 a.m. - 2019-11-30

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