aryssa90's Diaryland Diary

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Who the fuck knows what's going on with Steve. We talked for like, over an hour on Tuesday night. I didn't message him or anything on Wednesday then last night I just sent a "hey how're you feeling?" text and nothing.

Listen Steve. I don't want to get married. I don't even know if I want to date. Right now, I want to grab some drinks, have some fun conversation and have sex. I want a distraction from what's going on with my life. I want a distraction from missing Tim so I hold true to this break I've put us on. And you're doing a really shitty job of providing any of those things to me. And maybe I'd be less angry if like, I did something clearly wrong but like, I don't think texting you first 2 days after we last spoke is wrong. Like, we had a great conversation on Tuesday, you opened up about something pretty emotional to you, I was supportive and understanding, we flirted a bit, we talked about what safe sex means to us. It was fine. Maybe you really are sick, bronchitis is going around BUT you're not too sick to make instagram stories. Granted, that's like, promoting your business and stuff but still. I think in the last 14 hours you could have just been like, "I feel fine" or something.

Men.

I hate dating. I hate the idea of dating again. I hate the games associated with it. I just want something straightforward. I'm not even trying to date date again right now, I can't imagine how shitty that will be if/when I try to do that.

I'm seriously just so over the men in my life right now. I wish I was interested in romantically dating a woman so I could just literally be done with men. I'm sure women aren't much better but like, I just don't even want to look at another guy right now. Alas.

This week off has been kind of lame. I mean, I still have 4 days off including this one so I guess I could turn it around. We'll see.

I really wanted to go out tonight which is another reason I'm annoyed with Steve. Like, I have this open mic night thing at work and since I'm going to be out anyway, I'd like to just...go out afterwards. It would be great if that going out included sex. Of course none of my friends are free to go out tonight. So it's just me, driving out to West Hollywood to watch homeless youth sing and dance then drive all the way home to sit on my couch and play the Sims 4 while Bill sleeps because he just had dialysis. What a life.

I could pretty easily find some random person to hook up with, it isn't hard at all but like...ugh...I feel like I have to like the person now. I just don't know if I'm in a place to hook up with somebody right away and I don't know if I ever will be in that place again, which honestly kind of sucks.

And maybe that's also why I'm mad at Steve. Like. For the first time in over a year and a half I like someone other than Tim. And we met. And things went well. And we've chatted. And things have gone well. Then bam. Bullshit.

Anyway, enough ranting.

I'm not spending anymore of my time chasing this person. Well, persons-Tim and Steve. I'm going to be here doing my thing, however sad a thing that may be, and they can go fuck themselves.

10:31 a.m. - 2020-01-10

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