aryssa90's Diaryland Diary

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I’ve been thinking about sex a lot. I think this is partly because I’m a pretty sexual person but mostly because I’m depressed and my mind is hyper focused on things that make me feel good like Cookie Crisp cereal, macaroni and cheese, ferrero rocher and when other people give me orgasms.

The thing is, thinking about sex like this is kind of hard for me because pretty much all I want to do is have sex, play Pokémon and sleep. And when Tim is sober sex is just...not the same. It’s good, don’t get me wrong. But it isn’t 3 or 4 times a day and it doesn’t last as long. So we have sex once and it’s good but not as long as I’d like. And it’s like, that was just the appetizer and I’m left starving.

Being dissatisfied with my sex life reminds me of Bill which then leads me down that thought path. And I think of how we like didn’t really have penis in the vagina sex because he couldn’t because of things that got worse when he got cancer and how now he can’t even ejaculate (he could before) And maybe his entire sex drive is gone or maybe it’s a mental thing but he like doesn’t even really think about sex anymore? Like, every now and then, like months and months in between he’ll make a comment like “oh yeah I felt like I might want to try that again”.

And it makes me sad. Like, he’s just this sexless person now. And I think about how it was when we first met. And when we were long distance we had like phone sex or we went on cam or whatever and it was great. And frequent. And how when I would visit him it was twice a day. And then when I moved in with him it just dwindled to where we are now. I realize that the open relationship or breaking up was inevitable now. I just love sex too much to never be able to have penetrative sex but I do think we could have worked it out if he had kept up with the frequency.

And that’s where I’m left. Frequency. And duration.

I’m back to feeling like I’m Some crazed sex monster. A succubus. I guess I’m some way I am like, fuck me so I can feel better.

Anyway, I’m going to have to talk with Tim about it.
Step up your game please. I know it can’t be 3-4 times every day but like at least once for a long ish time When we see each other. Or twice for a moderate time. And then like once a week or even every other week just like, marathon. Like we used to.

Anyway.

I’m back at work ish. But that’s a whole other story. I’m potentially taking paid family leave and during that time looking for another job so. There’s that.

Good things going on: camping this weekend, love my animals, my house is clean.

10:20 a.m. - 2020-06-25

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